Friday, December 7, 2018

I got a nice job working in record collecting for a lawfirm. Ive never been so happy while at the same time being so overwhelmed by all these new machines and computer work that I am not accustomed to. I sort of imagined feeling like the office but I feel most like harold crick in stranger than fiction. Its a nice change. Ive been really into mazzy star. Uploading things to my pinterest :


now that tumblr is gone and I want to put my favorite things somewhere nice.)

Sunday, November 11, 2018

I am really going to try to catch up on my blogging diary ! I fell off the planet in vermont so I lost a few years, so ive just been trying to play photo catch up but I hope to move forward on a current timeline. Vermont was a major teaching experience of all the things not to do in life and so far removed up east that I was basically stuck, but since I left in june I have gotten my professional and personal life straightened back out. It lingers, but only because it is my immediate past and I know that with time it will fall away to a part of my life that feels dreamline and unreal, like the live-oak alleyways of my youth or the countless other people i have been. I sometimes catch a drifted thought back there but it is no more than recalling a boy pushing my over at the skating rink when i was twelve. Maybe it never happened at all. Maybe I go forward, here, brushing it to a bin of things that were just passing thoughts and suppositions.

I am enjoying writing again on a proper laptop, now, with mazzy star playing in the background and a sunday's rays retiring early with daylight savings in november (although not having emojis to use is a bit off-putting, how do you convey an emotion in text anymore?!) I have been trying to re-immerse myself in my interests: sewing history, general japanophilism, reading, basically giving myself back to me. I am glad to meet me, again. hi, hello, hi. Have been splurging alot on nintendos various systems, blankets, and plushies for my bed so that by the time snow falls I will have a proper bed cave to retreat into after winter work days that are dark and depressing because i want this year to end quietly - its been one hell of a chapter and I look forward to a new marker to set my arrow off from in the new year. growing my hair back out to black and long, eating more mindfully, trying to pass idle hours at bookstores and comicshops to feed my ever present stephen king and sailormoon cravings. Just laying low, growing on and on. The theme is ghosts. its a good time of the year to have learned humility and execute tenderness in sewing little appliques, big socks, hot tea and hot showers, quiet mind.

I am happy again - but I want to use that word gently because I have seen how fragile it is. I’ve always had this desperate Anxiety that I’m not living my life to it’s fullest (since I was a teen) and have fled and had to start over again and again and again - I feel like I have made all the poor choices I needed to make, I can officially stop feeling like the happiness I have is somehow less because I have it. I’m lucky to be where I am, now, and I’m going to do it right. It’s quite peaceful, to drop that desperation.

Sunday, September 30, 2018