Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It's really hard to look at this kind photo of yourself as a woman and not have ten million body issue phobias scream through your head, and I hate that. I hate that that is what I notice in photos more than I notice anything else, or "I should not have sat that way" because it isn't a flattering or stretching pose and how stupid is that mentality? I shouldn't have sat that way. It really slays me as an intelligent, fairly easy going woman. I take responsibility for 99% of who I am as a person - but I could watch the world burn for what the media has done to me as far as self-image goes. That being five pounds over double digits right now in weight has me feeling as if there is an entire section of my wardrobe I cant wear and i know it's stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid but years of brainwashing does that, even to people who know better. It's a sensitive topic and I try to keep my blogspot pretty light but when I take a photo like this and I feel real dread looking at it and feel the need to explain myself - this post started out explaining why I look so bottom heavy here, the skintight skirt without stretch, the socks being too tight, the angle, the scrunch, boots that add no length to my legs, and I stopped and felt really ashamed of myself. I even thought about trashing the photos and not uploading them and I thought, really, do I hate myself so much? It's truly cruel what the world turns us into, and what the world has us thinking and dwelling on. I don't have the time to finish the vampire cronicles but I have the time to sit here and try to figure out a way to cut more from my already restrictive diet. The blithering ridiculousness of it.

Also the SI, I should note, is something I am comfortable posting because it isn't an emotionally-tied act, it's just something I do because I like pain and the subsequent scarring. I have a big, big, big love affair with scars. It hurts my feelings when people treat my SI photos as something taboo or ugly or something they have to comfort me over - I am never happier than when I have some to upload and I think they are just beautiful, from beginning to end. It also hurts my feelings that flickr restricts SI photos. Anyway, these are my first SI's with my 50MM lens and I thought they were dreamy ;)

daily outfits daily outfits unsorted unsorted unsorted handmade

5 comments:

  1. Did you get your tattoo done?! It looks so nice! The placement and script are lovely.

    And those are some neat rows. My inner SIer approves. Hahaha. D:

    Weight has never been an issue for me, mentally (except for, I guess, the complex people gave me by commenting on my weight so much), but I totally feel you on nitpicking my photos apart. It's part of why I don't spam the photos I take all over the place/only upload very few of what I do take. :|

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  2. hey, i just want to say, at the risk of sounding either epically creepy or lame, that i appreciate that you took the time to talk about self-image and how much it hurts that society has placed such a stigma on looking a certain way. i struggle with the same problem, but i don't know that i'd be brave enough to acknowledge it, and i dunno, the fact that someone i admire (i think you're gorgeous and artistic and just ah! awesome) had the guts to post something like this... well, i think it's so cool.

    sorry this is long and rambly... um, you're great as you are. thanks for posting!

    - M.

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  3. Every woman regardless of size, shape, or weight will find something that they DON'T like about themselves. It's finding what you do like about yourself that's important. We weren't made to be perfect, you can look at someone and say oh wow she's beautiful but there is always a flaw; and even if you don't notice it, she definitely does!

    My point is, you are beautiful, regardless of you being 5 pounds over the weight you may think you should be or what you think you look best at.

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  4. I guess everybody thinks about how they look, if not regulary, then once comes that point anyway. I am pretty slim, everybody says that but i myself dont feel it. They cant see my body every minute! I have gained about 5 kilos cos i had to be in bed for a week and now, when i am in my perfect weight, i feel like a rhino. I am not trying to be in some model size or anything but that doesnt mean i cant be in weight I WANT to be in!

    Most important is what YOU want, not anybody else and if you can live like that and not worrie about everybody elses wanting, its cool :)

    PS! I love every god damn picture you post here!

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  5. Thank you for saying this.
    Anyone who escapes the media's malignant influence is very lucky indeed.

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